The Fault In Our Scars
It’s hard to forget pain. It’s harder to remember sweetness.
A scar is a story. An anecdote from our past. No matter how much pain they caused once, or still do, there is something to learn from each one of them.
And who doesn’t have a scar today? In the era we live, it doesn’t always take a Lord Voldemort to give you one. A bullied childhood, a failed relationship, a death in the family, a molestation — all such incidents leave a scar behind.
But they’re different from wounds. They are reminders. They keep us at bay from sufferings we’ve already had in the past.
“Scars are not injuries. A scar is a healing. After injury, a scar is what makes you whole.”
― China Miéville
But beware! For they are also double-edged swords. They can be as damaging as beautiful and as treacherous as they can be reliable.
If given space, they can come up with their own set of faults, which at times are not easy to deal with.
Fault # 1 — They Can Become Your Identity
Quick Question : What is the first word that pops up in your mind when I say “Harry Potter”?
Every time I’ve asked this questioned, I’ve gotten more or less 3 answers:
1. J.K. Rowling
2. Lord Voldemort
3. The Scar
Harry was a rare gem. He was brave, selfless, loyal, trustworthy, loving, caring, had a creative mind and loyal friend. Yet these virtues hardly pop-up in our mind when we think of him. Even in Hogwarts, he was more famously known as “the boy who lived” as opposed to “the boy who has a good heart.”
Similar is the case with rape victims. All their qualities, deeds and accomplishment (if any) will be thrown down the toiley; overshadowed by this traumatic incident. Soon enough they are label-ized by society — “the girl who was raped.”
The last and worst part is when you start identifying your own self with the scar. It stops ceasing to be an incident and takes the shape of something which cannot be put into words. Soon enough it starts seeping inside your molecules, becoming a part of you.
It now lives inside you possessing a life of its own. No matter what you do, you cannot get rid of it. You build your story around it — how you got that scar and how it has affected you — which you either keep telling others or to yourself. The more space you give it, the stronger it grows.
“We die a little every day and by degrees we’re reborn into different men, older men in the same clothes, with the same scars.”
― Mark Lawrence, King of Thorns
Fault #2 — They are Ridiculously Powerful !
Quick Question: What is that one incident that pops in your mind when I say the word “Childhood”?
More often than not, it’s a traumatic episode that usually flashes in the brain of the person I ask this question to. Something that was way too painful to be completely forgotten.
I have seen enough now to believe that a person’s core values, ethics, beliefs and goals, in some form or the other, come from their childhood. And it’s usually the painful incidents which give birth to their passions and ambitions.
I haven’t known many people who have been a success and have not suffered, which is absolutely fine. However, the problem arises when suffering becomes a necessity for driving change.
“It’s a shame there has to be a tragedy before the best in people will finally shine.”
― E.A. Bucchianeri
Fault #3 — There are No Scars for Happiness
Quick Question : On a scale of 1 to 10, how good do you feel today?
Odds favour an answer of either a 6 or a 7 for the average reader. What do you think would take to crank this number up to a perfect 10? A trip to The Bahamas ? Or buying that iMac you’ve been stalking on Amazon perhaps?
And what do you think would take this number down a couple of points to take your state to that of “unhappiness”? Getting Alzheimer’s? An argument with mother? An escalation email? A breakup message? Your favourite restaurant unable to deliver the food you’re planning to order perhaps?
You see the clear difference here?
When I used the word “unhappiness”, you could instantly think of 100 different things; but the same was not the case with the former question. Why do you think it is this way?
“The human race tends to remember the abuses to which it has been subjected rather than the endearments. What’s left of kisses? Wounds, however, leave scars.”
― Bertolt Brecht
It’s the same reason why we learn more from our mistakes than we do from doing the right things. Or why punishments defeat rewards. Or why anger hits us 2X than pleasure hits us. Or why what our mind forgets, our scars remember.
Sociologists have a term for this — Loss Aversion — the fear of losing something motivates people more than the prospect of gaining something of equal value.
It’s scientifically proven that a Negative Incident has a much greater coefficient of stickiness than a Positive one. That’s why pain is way more powerful than pleasure.
“It’s so hard to forget pain, but it’s even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Diary
The Silver Lining
It’s hard to forget your scars. They’re a part of your history that’ll always be there inside of you. But there’s also a hidden silver lining in them which is more often than not overlooked.
If we revisit the Harry Potter story once again, what would you say the chances were for Harry to be the kind of wizard and person he turned out to be if he were not given that scar by Voldemort during childhood?
Would he have gotten the opportunity to be the chosen one? To fight snakes and dragons? To be so close to the headmaster? To be the one competing for the tai-wizard tournament? Would he have gotten all those opportunities which turned him into the person he eventually was?
“He’ll have that scar forever.”
“Couldn’t you do something about it, Dumbledore?”
“Even if I could, I wouldn’t. Scars can come in handy. I have one myself above my left knee that is a perfect map of the London Underground.”
― J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone
Scars are, thus, also opportunities. No matter what the fault in your scars are, you also possess the power to use it to your advantage. Turn your shit into sugar. They can show you where you’ve been. However, they do not dictate where you want to go.
The universe is supposed to break you — by accident, by malice, by luck — physically, mentally, spiritually — via friends, via family, via strangers. Bad things happen to all people at all times. Disease and death are inevitable.
You can either stay with your scars forever or turn them into something completely beautiful; Shine at the broken places. The latter is a technique referred to by Japanese as “Wabi-Sabi” — one of “beauty” that is “imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete”.
“A Scar is the place where the Light enters you.”
- Rumi
